Let me start out by saying this journey is very personal. About three weeks ago my life got flipped upside down, and my entire world came crumbling down on top of me. The person that I intended on spending the rest of my life with did something that changed the course of our lives, and at the time I didn’t understand; I couldn’t see how I would get through it.
My journey from here on out is real and raw and I want to share it with you, because there’s one thing I’ve realized since this all happened to me: people don’t like to talk about their mess ups, their struggles, or how imperfect their marriages, relationships, or lives truly are.
I think if we all spoke our own truths without feeling fearful of what others thought, shameful, or embarrassed, we may be able to help one another just a little bit more.
For five years my space wasn’t just mine. I shared it with another human, and it was our space–our safe zone. That safe zone was recently corrupted, and it no longer felt safe. Suddenly, it was tainted and uncomfortable.
First step was to remove anything and everything that is associated with a memory of that person. This is harder than you think, because you have no idea how many memories you have until you don’t want to remember them. There’s good and bad and you don’t want to let it go, but it hurts to think about them. So you just do. It’s really that simple. You just let go and accept that you got the best part of that person, because if you’re being honest with yourself, you have no idea who that person really is anymore.
Second step was to rebuild. I needed to make my space my own again. This led me to a gritty realization–for five years I’ve put all my time and effort into another person, and I kinda lost myself along the way. What do I like now? Who am I? What is my style? What do I want to fill the walls with?
This is the beginning of my lovely journey.
My amazing mother, sister, and friend, Madison, came to assist me in this process. My sister took me to find things to redecorate my room. My mom, the master of interior decorating, helped me put it all together. Madison (a badass artist & friend) came in and painted quotes and pictures on the walls.
What had felt tainted and too painful to stand in was slowly becoming my own safe haven. I am rebuilding stronger and better.
{All paintings were done by Madison Mae Jones. She is also a photographer, so go check her out. <3}
I can say I know what betrayal feels like. I know what pain and heartache, so strong you just want to rip your own heart out to stop feeling, feels like. But I know that there is still so much beauty and love in the world (part two of this blog will prove it). Pain scars you. It also shapes and defines you. It’s up to you on which direction you let it go. I’m choosing to evolve from it. To stand up and follow the path I’ve been put on. So far, this path has been such a growing and blissful one.
“My heart is at ease knowing that, what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me.”
I have no idea who this quote is by, but I choose to remain soft and happy and gentle. I want to be satisfied with myself as a person, and I will not let anyone take that away from me. One of my friends, *cough cough* Schlicker, passed along some of her of wisdom to me that really gave me a whole new perspective on my situation. I was able to step back and see the bigger picture.
Maybe he wasn’t the one for me. Maybe he was just the one meant to teach me lessons.
I’ve been struggling to accept this concept, because five years spent with somebody is a long time. But as the days go on it becomes clearer and clearer, the more I come back to myself and rediscover the person I once was.
The way I see it: I’ve survived a lot of things in my life, and I will survive this.
Until next time.
Randi Garner 