Adventure #2
Gulf Shores, AL
I am currently sitting on the back patio of a condo near the Gulf Shores Beach in Alabama. It’s raining on the beach, as far as I can see, but it’s clear where I’m sitting. I have a cup of steaming hot coffee on the table beside me, and I’m soaking up the fact that I can sit outside without dying from the claustrophobic humidity. Alabama folks think 66%-88% humidity is horrible, but this Oklahoma girl is rejoicing in it.
For the last five days I’ve been exploring. I get up early in the morning, with my coffee, and walk the beach. I’ve seen dolphins, humongous crabs, jelly fish, clear, tiny crabs, weird, scary-lookin’ fish, and a ton of huge birds that are big enough they could probably eat me. I’m sunburned on 95% of my body, and have been covered in sand from head-to-toe. I’ve collected sea shells and gone crab hunting at night (which is SUPER fun).
The most exciting thing for me, though, has been the fresh grilled shrimp and the homemade ice cream. I like my food. *insert innocent shrug here* But I quickly learned that coffee isn’t a huge thing down here. In fact, many of the “baristas” don’t know how to make a simple iced Americano with creamer and extra hazelnut. You should’ve seen the barista’s face (in the ONLY Starbucks in town) when I ordered. She cocked her head sideways, and looked at me as if she was trying to solve a math problem. “The Americano is the coffee with the water, right?” *face palm* I can’t really tell you what my facial expression was, but it was probably really offensive and I apologize.
I really, really needed this trip, though. I needed to get away from the familiar and clear my head. I needed to see how big and full the world is outside my small home. I’ve met so many generous, down-to-earth, country-lovin’ families just by walking the beach every morning. People smile and say hello. They tell me good morning, or strike up pointless chitchat about the water or weather. It’s refreshing and satisfying. It’s going to be sad to leave, but that’s part of letting go and moving with the flow of life.
{For those who are wondering – Mom’s taking the picture}
Truth is, I’ve been having a hard time letting go. I have this image in my mind where I’m clinging to something—an object of some sort—that connects me to him. Hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, and everything in between have blown through to break us apart in this last month. And I know what you’re thinking: He hurt you. Why the hell are you still holding on?
I’ve never had to let go of someone that I loved for my own benefit. To me that’s always sounded selfish. If I truly loved someone, shouldn’t I hold on and help them? Ah, but that’s the problem. I don’t think he love me like I loved him, and he surely didn’t want anyone’s help. Or maybe I’m wrong. I don’t think I’ll ever know, though. I don’t care who you are, everyone in this life needs help becoming the person they want to be. That’s why we have relationships. The thing is, we have to want to be better. We have to be open to growing and learning and becoming whoever it is we want to be.
My feelings for him were built five years in the making. Those feelings don’t just die over night. They take time to dwindle away. But I feel as if now the weather has calmed down and when I look to see if he’s hanging onto the other side, it’s just me and whatever the object is I’m clinging to. He’s gone and he’s been gone for a long time. It’s just taken me this long to meet reality face-to-face and accept that he’s not the one I’m supposed to be with forever. That I deserve something–someone–better.
I’ve spent so much time just sinking into myself that I can’t imagine ever going back to the life I had a little over a month ago. Like a quote from one of my favorite country songs says: “What I thought was going to be the death of me turned out to be my saving grace.”
I’ve struggled SO much. I’ve hurt and I’ve tried SO hard to understand how someone I loved so much could do something so awful to me and what we had.
But you know what? I am free and at peace now. Which is how I know I must be on the path I’m supposed to be on. I’ve accepted that I will never understand, because I’m not the type of person that can do something to someone like what he did to me. I’ve accepted that I will never get an explanation or an apology from him and I’m okay with that. I don’t need any of it. What good would it do? And honestly, I’ve already forgiven him. I don’t say that lightly. I really have. Like I said, I am not going to hold onto this with bitterness or anger, and let it—let him—ruin the person I’m supposed to be.
Now, it’s time to let it all go.
I have our wedding rings packed away safely in my suitcase. He left his the day he left me.
My family and I are taking the Mobile Bay Ferry when we leave for home Saturday morning. I’m going to tie the wedding bands together and stick them in a bottle with a message to whoever finds them, and I’m going to toss them overboard the ferry into the Atlantic Ocean. • There will be pictures on my Facebook, so keep an eye out if you give a crap at all 😉
My story hasn’t ended, but this chapter of my life has.
And I’m just getting started.
Randi Garner 