I was the girl that refused to believe what was right in front of her.
He’d always tell me, “No, I’d never do that to you. I could never hurt you like that.”
This is where my heart, my brain, and my gut would go to war.
Are you really this stupid? The signs are right in front of you.
But I know him. I know his heart. He could never do something like that to me.
I chose to believe him, because I loved him. I didn’t want to be that wife that doubted, because I believed that we’d be that couple that survived all the odds. Turns out I was just trying to prove it to myself. Desperately trying to cling to what was already falling apart.
We can justify things all we want, but at the end of the day it’s best to follow your gut. It’s got the most common sense, and it’s unbiased up against your heart and brain.
I was at work when he fessed up. His mother brought him and made him tell me. It felt like someone stole all the oxygen right out of my lungs, and the whole world was caving in on me.
Five years. Five years. Five years. This was the only thing circling in my brain. Five years worth of memories, laughter, moments, milestones, nieces and nephews being born, growing up, and it all was dying in this moment.
Our divorce was finalized July 5th. I’m telling you all this, because it’s the real life stuff. It’s gritty and uncomfortable, and I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m now a divorcee. I could’ve taken him back in a heart beat, but I would’ve sacrificed myself in return. I couldn’t ever trust him again. I’d be a paranoid, bitter, jealous, angry woman with a permanent broken heart. And I felt like if I took him back it’d be the wrong path. (I decided to follow my gut on this one.)
When I think back on the last five years of my life, I’m okay. There’s no doubt in my mind that I loved him. I don’t regret getting married, because at the time I was so full of love and affection I could’ve painted a rainbow in the sky with it. But, he was just someone that was supposed to be in my life for a season. I think when that particular season ended, this was life’s way of saying, “Hey. Times up. You need to move along, because someone else is out there that you’re supposed to be with. This guy isn’t the one.”
That’s the shitty and crazy thing about life. It makes all the calls. You simply have to swim through the tide and keep your head above water at the same time. At first, you’re blinded by all the water and the high tide that you can’t see the land up ahead. But once you find the strength to hold yourself up and swim effortlessly at the same time, that’s when the tide will calm and you will be able to see what was always meant for you.
I’m still learning how to hold my head above the water and take the waves as they come. None of this is easy. There are nights I can’t sleep. There are times I snap at the people I love, because I just need an excuse, other than all of this, to cry. In simpler terms: (Rated R language up ahead) it’s hard as fuck to pick yourself up and keep going. Other days, though, it’s easy and I can breath.
I want you all to know I’m just like everyone else. I wasn’t born with majestic strength. I’m just waking up every day choosing to get through this mess the best way I know how to.
I have been utterly shocked and amazed at the feedback of my story. I want to say how much I genuinely appreciate every single individual that has reached out to me, shared their own story with me, or showed their support through social media. It’s truly honoring to know that my story is helping others. These issues that we face in life aren’t shameful or humiliating. They’re real life.
For anyone following this blog, thank you. Writing is my way of healing. It gives me a way out of my stirred up emotions and feelings. Writing brings me face-to-face with my deeper, under-the-surface emotions and feelings that I know are real.
It’s been almost two months since the split up. Where am I at now in my journey?
Well, I’m sitting on my back patio. I just ate an ice cream bar, because Oklahoma weather is seriously tryna kill me. I’m listening to the the loci and the sound of the water filter in the pool. The sun is slowly starting to dip beneath the trees, and my heart is aching to go back to Alabama where the ocean is waiting for me.
I feel so alive that it physically hurts. I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything. I’m excited for school to start back up in August. I’m a nerd like that. I LOVE going shopping for school supplies and organizing it all in my bag. I can’t wait to get back into my routine. I miss my friends and Starbucks coffee.
I can’t tell you where I’ll be three months from now, or even a year. I don’t have my life mapped out. I don’t even know what I’m doing half of the time. But I’m happy and content where I’m at. I’m going to sit here for a while and just be still. Soak up all the wonderful moments that are coming my way.
Just remember one thing: Being strong isn’t easy. It’s a choice.
Until next time ❤
Randi Garner 