chapter six • anxiety
I woke up at like 10 o’clock, and drank coffee and ate a oatmeal dark chocolate chip cookie while listening to my Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify (if any of you care). I woke up in hopes that it would be a lazy day, and so far it has been. Except for the fact that I have a mountain of laundry to complete. *insert eye roll here*
In case you don’t already know, adulting sucks.
Anyways, I spent yesterday on the boat with my family. It was a typical lake day for us. Dad fished off the front of the boat. Leo dropped his fishing pole in the water, because he was dancing a little too hard to Sam Hunt’s “Leave the Night On”. Ema ran back and forth on the boat, clapping her hands and attempting to sing to the words. Sis, Mom, and I lounged out in our seats in hopes of getting our Alabama tan back.
All and all, it was a wonderful day.
I found myself looking up and soaking it all in more than a few times. I’d watch Leo sling his fishing pole line out, whacking Sis in the head with his bobber (he didn’t have a hook on it). Ema, in that awkward stage attempting to talk but you can’t understand a word she says so she sounds like a Sim, asking Mom for more ice. The water was still as glass, so it looked like silk folding under the boat as we drove through it. Mom wanted to stay out until sunset. Of course we all complained, because we seriously had to pee. She told us to shut it, and that was that.
We got lost in the music and the cool breeze. I was sitting across from Mom watching her poke at and sing with Leo. He giggled and shook his head, blurting out sounds that were similar to the words of the song.
I don’t know about y’all, but sometimes I have these moments where my heart is swelling with love and squeezing with fear at the same time. I watch my family in a state of bliss, laughing and joking around with each other, and I think about how at any moment life could decide to take one of them from me. Time continuously moves forward, and I think about how anything could happen. Life could drastically flip over and shake my whole world. In that split second anxiety consumes me. I want to grab ahold of each one of them and cling to them.
My family is my world–my heart.
Just as quick as fear rushes in, I remind myself how precious time is, and it’s these small moments with my family that mean the most to me. They are here now. They are healthy and alive and I thank God for it every day.
Anxiety is something I struggle with on a daily basis. From the small things like making a good grade on my German presentation to driving to wondering if I am going to see my mom at the end of the day. I could name a hundred different things I worry about in a day. Life can be a scary thing, because it’s so unpredictable.
But in the last three months I’ve been learning to take life as it comes. I used to be a major control freak. (Now, I’m just a regular control freak.) I wanted to know what was happening before it actually happened. And then my world got flipped upside down, and it was like I surrendered to all of it. I accepted I couldn’t control life or situations as much as I wanted, and I came to the conclusion that it was exhausting trying to control every second and all of the worrying and need to make sure everything goes as planned. Sometimes, life is going to demand to be heard. It will do crazy, stupid, hurtful, wonderful things to get your attention. This is where you just have to let go and remind yourself of what’s right in front of you.
Be in the moment, 100%.
Maddie painted this exact quote on my bathroom wall back in June. It’s a reminder to myself not to jump ahead into the future (where anxiety resides), or think too hard about the past and what I could’ve done differently. It’s a reminder to let fears, insecurities, anxiety, irrational, negative thoughts go and just be still. Tomorrow is going to come whether I want it to or not, and life will gradually change with each passing second. Whatever happens in my days to come is inevitable. Miss Major Control Freak *raises hand* cannot change or fix certain situations or things, and oddly enough, I’m beginning to feel okay about that.
Until tomorrow arrives, I’m living in today where my parents are outside setting up Mom’s fall scenes for her photography sessions, my sister and Ema are painting a prop for her, and Leo is sitting on my bed watching Paw Patrol. I’m living in a place where I am happy in my life with my job and my classes and my friends.
God, y’all, I am SO happy. Happier than I’ve ever been.
Whatever you are going through, believe me when I say it does get better. Pain doesn’t last forever. Heartache fades. In time you heal and get stronger. Anxiety comes and goes; struggles come and go. Whatever good you have in your life, nourish and protect it. Ravish in it.
Just give it time.
This is how you will get through it.
until next time ❤
Randi Garner 